I am going to be brutally honest in this post because I think it’s time.
I can’t seem to comprehend the reality of everything going on lately. I have been in Mama Bear Mode for so long, I have detached myself from feeling true emotion.
From day one I have had to fight for Matthew and Callia. And when Callia was well, I have had to continue to fight to avoid death for Matthew on several occasions. My mind clicked to the OFF and I became a zombie for months. My world was so dark I couldn’t see anything. I couldn’t see how far my future went with Matthew. I didn’t think there even was a future. I couldn’t help but think ‘not without my son’!!
And when Matthew came home from the hospital for the first time, Mama Bear Mode was switched to ON. I didn’t have time to cry or be sad. I couldn’t allow myself to let go and let my mind be clouded by emotions when we had big decisions to make. I know he was hurting, I know he didn’t feel good, but he needs to go to therapy. Is it helping? Is anything helping?!?! How much longer can he take? How much do we push him to be better? How much do we make him endure before it’s too much?? What is too much?! Is it too much?!?!
If I allowed my emotions to get involved when dealing with everything, I would fail. I would fail as a caretaker. I would fail as a wife. I would fail as a mother. I would fail as an advocate for my son. I would fail. And I couldn’t fail. I could NOT fail.
So I stopped feeling. I stopped myself from feeling emotions… sad emotions, really bad emotions and even good emotions. I wasn’t a zombie like I was before, but I just stopped feeling. The second I started to let go or relax a bit, something would happen. Matthew would get sick and have some kind of hospital stay. So I could no longer afford to relax. I had to be a robot. I had to always be prepared. It didn’t help that my Pastor was always preaching about how emotions get in our way of hearing God or allowing Him to reveal our purpose. So that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to remove my emotions from my life so I can function and be productive. So that’s how I lived. Without emotions.
And don’t get me wrong, I had feelings. I LOVE my family… my husband.. my children.. my family and friends. I had FUN when fun things were going on. I had JOY when I was filled with joy. I had ANGER when things made me mad. I had SADNESS when sad things happened. I had emotions.. just not the deep true emotions. All my emotions were kept on the outside of me. Like a wall was protecting my heart. I wasn’t much of a crier. I didn’t react to many things… good or bad. I didn’t get emotionally involved with friends and family. I couldn’t. I couldn’t allow myself to be emotional. I would often joke and say, “Don’t make me cry! Don’t make me cry! If I start crying I won’t be able to stop!” And that is true. I won’t. I was always afraid of letting go because I have so much built up that I was holding on to… who knows how long I will go for. And poor friend who would get stuck with me crying… can you imagine!?!? lol
But recently I have wanted to feel certain emotions. I have wanted to live in the moment and go through every possible feeling, thought and emotion because these moments… these very special moments… are never going to happen again. Hearing news, seeing miracles, LIVING in the precious moments of my kids lives… I want to feel those. I want to be present.
But I’m worried that if I start to cry or start to feel, I will be overwhelmed with emotions and I just wont be able to stop. If I let some go, I don’t know if I will have the strength to hold it ALL in or even make myself stop. I am so used to holding on to my emotions, I don’t know if I will be able to let go. But I guess the only way we will find out is if I actually let go…. maybe today… maybe not. Probably not. But one day, we will see.
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