Everybody goes through a “process” in life. When you are going through anything or about to start a new adventure… there is a process. When you are about to start a new job, there is a process. You have to learn, you study, you practice, you do what you gotta do to get to where you want to get to. It’s a process.
I believe I have finally hit a point where I am just going through the process. Two and a half years ago when our adventure began, I thought I was being tested. And I really believed that. I believed that my faith WAS being tested. I believe God had us (me) go through some really really bad days in order to test me. He wanted to see if MY WILL was going to be up for the challenge. He wanted to see if my human self could handle the torment and the trauma. He wanted to see if I would be able to handle this.
And I did. I passed this test. My NICU experience as a mom, as a believer, as a follower, as a woman desperate to find Jesus… was just the beginning for me. I believe my NICU experience wasn’t just a journey in itself, but it was “the test”. And letting go of Matthew and giving him back to God… that was the weekend I “passed” this test.
I passed the test.
The two years after the NICU test, I had to re-learn everything about my spiritual life. I had to learn to deal with things in a Godly way. I had to learn to pray with a whole different point of view. I had to learn to read His word with a different technique. I had to learn how to be a Godly woman all over again. Because not only was I just a woman or just a mother or just a wife… but I was changed. I was a woman, mother and wife that had passed God’s test. I had to now learn to be different. And it was NOT easy. There were no instructions or directions for the kind of life that I was living. No one was able to help me get through the bad days because no one has ever had bad days like us. No one knew what we were going through, what we would be going through; and no one knew HOW to get through it. It was hard.
It was only a few months ago, probably around the two year anniversary mark of when our journey started, that I was finally at the point that I was able to accept our circumstances. And even accepting our circumstances took a few months. It did not happen over night. I wish it had, but it did not!! Every day I had to wake up, accept, live with it, do my best to be “happy”, “live life” and “do what I gotta do” just to get through the day. And this was every single day. Every day I had to learn to do all of this on purpose. I had to learn to almost convince myself that we would get through it.
Now that Matthew has hit transplant weight and we did all the tests that he needs to get a kidney, I have felt like I am really pushing through. I feel like the incline of this hill has gotten steeper and I am moving slower. I feel like this is the last, largest, greatest, scariest and hardest hill we have to climb. It is going to hurt the worst. It is going to be horrible. I am not afraid of this hill but I know that I WILL NOT like this at all. I am hesitant when I have to think about this hill. I try to avoid my feelings or talking about this hill because I just do NOT want to go through it. I don’t want to walk up this hill. I don’t want to have to fight the hardest we have ever had to fight. These past two years have already been an incredible fight… and that hasn’t been the worst. So now here we are… we have to do this…
The Process… all of this is a process. Staring at this uphill battle that we have been watching from a distance…it is here. we are here. And it is all part of the process.
I had a lot more to talk about The Process… but dialysis is finishing up. I will write again about more of what is involved in the process…