days like today

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on days like today… i haaaaate kidney disease. this disease has robbed my son of his life for so long already!! my only boy! he cant be his “normal” self. this happy go lucky baby boy is crying and whining and nauseous. he dry heaves because hes sick from dialysis. he feela his equilibrium is totally off. hes dizzy. he wants me to hold him and walk away but this two foot of tubes that is connected to his veins that is attached to his heart dont let me.

days like today are hard.

but they dont last long. the Lord covers him and his angel is protective over him. (yes, Matthew has one assigned to him.) but they still suck.

on days like today i dont feel like a mom, but more of a warrior. a fighter. an advocate. a nurse. a doctor. a vigilante…. but not a mom.

on days like today i question everything. i feel guilty about everything. i second guess how far we have come and the choices i have made. i think back, well maybe if this… maybe if that… maybe… and then i think what if this and what if that…. what if… and on really bad days (not today but on the really bad ones) i begin to worry. and i begin to stress. and i begin to have fear. and that’s when the devil infiltrates my mind and my depression and insecurity makes its ugly appearance and then im not longer anything but done.

but on days like today ….

im thankful for another breath and another day of life. my son is sick but well enough to come home. im blessed enough with God given skills to tend to my sons needs as if im a certified and educated nurse or doctor.

days like today, although hard… they are worth more than gold.

xoxo

p.s… im completely aware of my poor grammar and punctation. 👍

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