Having a child on dialysis means to have a special kind of life. I don’t believe that every person can handle this type of life. I have met some moms who are literally driving themselves crazy over “little” things. I have seen parents divorce over the many life changing decisions they need to make to keep their baby alive. And one unfortunate time, a child passed away, only to have mama commit suicide two months late because of the guilt and the pain that she felt.
This life is not easy. Not at all. And not everyone can do it. Not even moms who are IN IT NOW can handle this. And it wasn’t until recently that I have started wondering how much more I can take. I don’t fear for the future. I have given my son back to God back in October 2014 when his little body was tired of fighting to stay on this earth. God spoke to me and told me to let him go. I needed this to happen at this particular time. I was holding on to my son so tight and I believed in God’s Promise but I had so much worry and fear that the Lord was going to take him from me. And it got to a point that I had to let him go. I had to come to terms with the fact that my son was going to die, and I needed to be at Peace with knowing WHO he was going to be with and WHO was going to take care of him… my son was going to be sitting in the lap of Jesus… and I needed, after 7 months, I needed His Peace.
I took the deepest and most calming breath I had ever taken in my life. The air I inhaled was so fresh and so clear. My heart stopped for what it seemed like minutes. I was frozen in that moment. I was letting go all control. I was letting go of my son. I love my girls with everything in me, but my son was what I had always dreamed about. A little boy. And here he was. I had felt him in my belly. I had seen him after he was born. I saw what he looked like. I heard his cry. I had seen his smile. His hair, his skin, his lips, his eyes… the Lord blessed me with a son. The Lord never blessed me with time… He never promised me how much time I was going to have with him… He promised I would have one. And I had to be thankful for that. And at that moment I was the most thankful I had ever been.
Walking out of that room, I didn’t think I would see my son alive again. But I walked out because I had to trust in God who was going to take care of my son until I saw him again. And the best thing that could ever happen, that I could ever dream of… He saved my son. He had mercy on my son, on my soul and He allowed my son to live past this night. It was the most amazing and miraculous occurrence.
My sons dialysis was NOT working. Not at all. Each time they attempted dialysis, it was all blood flowing through the clear catheter. Each time, we had to stop. Nothing was working. But then the next day… they were going to try one last time. And if it didn’t work then we were going to move forward with Palliative Care and we would have to move on with making him as comfortable as possible until he goes.
One more time… the catheter was filled with blood. Our hearts were broken. But just as quickly as we felt our hearts break, the tube began to look like it was brown… and then an orange tint… and within seconds it ran clear. No one can explain how that happened. Doctors did not expect it, nurses had hoped for it, and we all prayed for it. And it happened. It was a miracle.
I can never explain what happened other than it being a miracle. So the life that we live… it is pretty amazing! It is a miracle.