Still Mad… and thats okay

I was glad I went to our church’s women’s coffee break today because I think I needed to hear something. It was a small phrase in the middle of this grand bible study. And it wasn’t even in the lesson. It was just a phrase that someone said on the side. And she said, “It’s okay to be mad.”

I am mad. I am mad at a lot of things right this moment. I am mad at my friends for not realizing how they are hurting me. I am mad at them and everyone else that makes me feel they are totally against me. I mad at myself for not speaking up about it. I am mad that I want to so desperately forget the past and never ever think about it again. I am mad because I can’t do that.

I am mad that I have to be picked up at 530am because I am nice . I’m mad that I agreed to change my schedule because it was convenient for someone else. I’m mad that I have be completely 100% INconvenienced and no one really cares. I’m mad that it doesn’t matter to anyone.

I am mad because…. I just am. I think I deserve a right to be mad. I think it is okay for me to be mad. I think being mad energizes me. I don’t WANT to be mad. So I do only what I know to do… I pull out my bible. Ephesians 5:29-32. (Read it)

But it basically says let it go. We are redeemed. We shouldn’t let things get to us. We shouldn’t allow anything or anyone steal our joy. Especially steal any time away from God’s love…. from our time WITH Him… from our time reading His word. We must move on. We must continue to forgive. Forgive each other and live in love.

Once I read that I realized how ridiculous I am being. I shouldn’t be mad. It felt good to be able to acknowledge what was making me mad. It felt good to say it out loud. It felt good to go to my sword and fight off this anger with His word. I feel a lot better now.

I know my friends didn’t mean to hurt me intentionally. I know they didn’t know what they were doing. I know they weren’t purposely going against me.

I know there has to be a good reason of why I was asked to get our schedule changed for this week. I know there was a reason. I know they asked me because I AM nice and I would make life a lot easier for them. I know they come to me because they can count on me to be understanding and compassionate. I know they ask me because, even though I would NOT want to be at the hospital at 7am… I would do it because there isn’t a good reason for me not to. I am nice.

So that’s that. There starts the beginning of my transformation. It is a work in progress and it is like groundhogs days… asking forgiveness every single day and trying more and more to be better.

Lord, help me.

xo

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