When It’s Too Much

DECEMBER 31, 2015

My heart is so sad right now. A mother who lost her son a few weeks ago has taken her own life. The grief of losing her son was too much for her. The despair and sadness of no longer having her son with her was so overwhelming she just couldn’t go on anymore. She couldn’t survive one more day in this sadness. What do you do for someone who is just so sad? What do you say? Did not one see how she was? Did not one close to her notice? Did anyone intervene at any time?

It’s sad, but I don’t think anyone did. There were so many people that sent her prayer and support over the Internet and through social media… but where were the peoplein her life?

This brings me to a discussion that we just had in our NICU Family Forum today. Speaking with a NICU mama, she was telling me how hard it has been for her. Emotionally, she is having such a hard time with it all. Pumping, recovering, other children at home and a sick baby in the NICU. We encouraged her and told her that many of us have been in her situation before. She took comfort simply in knowing that she wasn’t alone. She felt reassured to know she isn’t the only one that has felt the way she is feeling.

I know what it’s like to feel like you are completely alone in a fog of darkness. I have been there and I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to about it, to be reassured that what I was feeling was normal. We all go through it. But I didn’t know that at the time. I felt like I was this traumatic special case because everyone seems to have it altogether. No one else looked like they were losing it… I remember I would look around the room our son was in and I would see smiles and parents taking pictures and think, wow… they must be doing great. How lucky for then they get all these happy moments and beautiful milestones. They get to hold their baby and take them home. How lucky….

But I never realized that each parent, each mother, was going through this NICU fog. We all go through it. I honestly thought I was a special case. I thought I was a horrible mother. I thought how could I be home resting the one day a week I’m home when I should be with my twins, with my son 24/7?? I should be there!! And then when my daughter came home but my son was still there… omg!!! I was an even worse mother!!!! I should be able to split my time in 4. I should be able to handle it. Everyone else is!!! Why can’t i?!?! I should be here for my newborn daughter, there in the nicu for my son, and here at home for my husband and other 4 kids!! I should be able to do it all!!!

After months and months of trying and fighting to make it and persevering through… I finally had to let go. I finally had to stop holding on so tightly to my dreams. I finally to let God take over. I was so afraid that the Lord was going to take my son… I finally had to realize that no matter where we end up… God’s Grace was going to Bless us. We were going to be just fine in the end. My son will either be in His arms… or mine. I had to let go….

It was too much for me. And now here I am, a year out of the NICU and I am still haunted by that experience. And each time I go to that hospital, stand in front of those elevators, push those buttons and wait in the elevator for my floor, I am reminded every day. Most days I am fine, but some days…. it’s like a refresh button. I am pulled back to those memories and I need to push that refresh button. I’m not there anymore. I’m here now. We go to a different floor now. We are on a different unit now. It’s not the same. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

That poor mother never had an opportunity to heal. Her pain was too much for her. She never let go. How could she?! That was her baby… how could she let go?! I think the whole situation is just tragic. Breaks my heart to know that there was no one to stop her. No one told hold her hand through this process. No one to help her heal… in times like these we all need someone to walk with us. I feel if I didn’t have my faith, I could have easily been her. All of this was too much to bear on her own…

God’s Grace… ♡

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