OCTOBER 14, 2015
My son has been out of the NICU for 10 months now. Exactly one year ago today he was fighting for his life. Thanks to Facebook, we get memories from those awful days when I begged, publicly, for my friends and family to pray as hard and as long as they can for Matthew. I was desperate in my posts. I remember falling to my knees in that room and crying and praying and texting my husband asking him what to do. And as I waited for his responses I went on Facebook and begged for prayers. Prayers for my son to survive tonight. Prayers for him to feel no pain, to be as comfortable as possible and to not be afraid of the commotion that’s going on around him. Within ten days, he was fine. His dialysis miraculously started working, he began to lose all of the fluid he had retained, the acidosis was clearing up, no more infection and all of a sudden, he was better. A month and a half went by and he was “graduating” from the NICU. It has been a long and hard road just to get to where we are now. And I have always felt these weird feelings about the whole thing.
On one hand I have always wanted to just be excited and shout from the mountain tops, MY SON IS ALIVE!! MY SON SURVIVED!!! But this road has been an incredibly bumpy road. I have been on this road, wearing my seat belt, scared to death and just holding on for dear life. But through it all, I have been so incredibly blessed. I have my son. I was able to see him grow, and change, and learn and see his personality develop. I have seen him overcome so many obstacles in his short little life. And I am so proud of him. But deep down inside there are these feelings that I can seem to shake off. These feelings of guilt because there were so many other babies that never made it out of the NICU. Babies that were doing so much better than Matthew but, in the end, passed away. There were babies that, to this day, are fighting a much harder fight than us.
The feelings of guilt caused me to be silent for many many months. I would post here and there about good Matthew was doing. I would share pictures and such. But I didn’t want to seem like I was bragging or showing off. A few times I was messaged that I was just bragging. Of course, this message came from someone that doesn’t care too much for me anyway, but still. My heart and soul was in so much pain, any little bit of negativity would sting. I was afraid to share about our successes fearing I may cause pain to others who were struggling. I didn’t want to make anyone else feel worse than how they were already feel.
But after a whole lot of prayer and begging God for direction with my spiritual life, I learned that being silent was NOT what I was supposed to be. The Lord did NOT allow me to witness these miracles just for me to be silent about them. I was made for this miracle. I was created to give HIM all His Glory!! And that is what I decided to do. That is what I have promised to God. For as long as I live, I will continually tell the world how GOOD God is!! I need to tell the story of my miracle twins to give HOPE to other families.
I need to tell families who have been given Matthew’s diagnosis or prognosis, that no matter what happens, BELIEVING and HAVING FAITH and NOT GIVING UP are so incredibly important to their baby’s outcome. I need to tell these parents that PRAYER is the most important and most difficult task that they are going to have to conquer. Prayer is going to be something that they naturally do, but believing in prayers is going to be hard. But they need keep doing it. Talk to God. Talk to Him all day, everyday.
I need to tell parents to speak life into their baby. Stay positive. Keep hope. Don’t let anything come between them and their faith. No matter what they are told, no matter what is said, no matter what is offered. If you know in your heart that your baby is made for a miracle, then you get right back up. They can tell you that your baby is not doing good and there is nothing else for them to do… you tell them that is just fine. Only God can do this… let Him. Pray and Believe in those miracles!!
Be witness to a miracle.