My Nightmares

Written on  FEBRUARY 20, 2015

I still wake up every once in a while in a panic. WHERE ARE MY BABIES?

It was about 6:15pm on Tuesday July 1, 2014. I was having contractions like no other. For two days I had been having contractions. I was already in the hospital and doctors have been trying to stop my labor. And for two days, they were successful. But then came 6:15pm. (Give or take a minute or two) My water broke. I felt the POP. I felt the rush of water gush onto my thighs. I remember the overwhelming tingle in my entire body. It felt like a balloon that was inside me had popped. The throbbing inside my body…and then a POP. A nurse had been at my bed checking vitals when it happened. I remember she looked under my blanket and yelled, “BLOOD!” And out of the room she ran…. Yeah, she ran out of the room. She called for other nurses and was talking medical babble. From the word, blood, everything was a blur.

Another POP! The pain was so fierce, it almost numbed my body. The fear of these pops took over my body. I knew what these pops were… it was what I had fear of for months… my water broke. Both baby’s sacs broke. In those seconds after I heard those pops, everything that the doctors had told us… all the “facts”… all the information… everything. It all rushed through my head like a whirlwind. It came into my head…swirled around a little…then out it went. All the pain I was feeling Overpowered me. The room was spinning and I couldn’t move. All I could do was close my eyes and I just held on and went for the ride.

At one point I opened my eyes and realized I was being wheeled out of the room and rushed into the emergency room. I remember grabbing on to the side rail of my bed and just holding on for dear life. I was being rushed out of my room, down the hall and into an operating room. I remember they were pushing me so fast, we rounded a corner and the only thing I really remember hearing on this little ride was, “WATCH HER FINGERS ON THE CORNER!” I remember I immediately let go of the rail and my bed hit the wall.

The next thing I remember is some placing a mask on my face telling me that I was going to fall asleep in about a minute.

I remember I could hear the chaos in the room. I remember I could hear people walking and running and shuffling throughout this, what seemed to be, a little room. I remember The male nurse that placed the mask on my face keep telling me, “You’re going to go to sleep soon okay…. just relax.” I remember, at one point thinking, “Okay, okay.. I’m cool!! When am I going to go to sleep?!”

I remember the bright light in my eyes. I remember the blue drape in front of my face. I remember two nurses playing with the drape and shifting left…right….left….and then clamping it still.

I remember a liquid being poured onto my belly…a cold liquid… being smeared all over. And then I remembered my nightmare.

When I was 16 years old, I had this dream of me dying in childbirth. I have had this same dream about six or seven times in my life. Everything exactly the same. And before I had children, I dreamt this dream three times. Every time I found out I was pregnant, I was so terrified of dying in childbirth. And because of this, I wrote a letter to my unborn child. I wrote a letter to my husband, to my sister, and to my family members. I kept a box of pictures, letters, quotes and scriptures. If I died in childbirth, I wanted my baby to know who I was. I did this for each child… for each pregnancy…

Back on that operating table… I remember hearing a very loud splash of liquid fall onto the floor. It was a very specific sound. It sounded like a bucket of water being poured out onto the street. Exactly like that. And I remember specifically hearing someone say, “She’s hemorrhaging. There’s a lot of blood!”

I didn’t feel any pain. I didn’t feel the chaos that was going on in the room. I didn’t feel anything. I remember the light. I remember the light, at that moment came into my eyes and the last thing I thought was, “So this IS it. I was right all along. This is it.”  And I was at peace.

The next thing I remember…PAIN! Excruciating, burning, PAIN! Physical pain. And a pain in my heart I have never felt. ” WHERE ARE MY BABIES???? PLEASE TELL ME MY BABIES ARE ALIVE!!!!!”

Those were my first words. “WHERE ARE MY BABIES?? PLEASE TELL ME MY BABIES ARE ALIVE.”

I remember the nurse came running to my side asking me about my pain. My mom sat up stood next to me. It was all such a blur. I simply remember the pain and wanting to know where my babies were.

The nurse gave some meds and I looked at my mom and asked if they were alive. I don’t remember her exact words, but I remember knowing… THEY WERE ALIVE. Once I heard the twins were BOTH ALIVE… I knew I was going to live the life that God intended for me to live…..

Many months later… we are home now. We are living an interesting life…we are living the life only WE can live… and although I only sleep about 4 hours a night… I still have nightmares. I never remember what I dreamt… I just always remember the feeling… “PLEASE TELL ME MY BABIES ARE ALIVE.”

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