DECEMBER 4, 2014
I let my son go.
I finally let him go.
This little boy was my dream come true. My husband and I have five girls. Ages 13, 12, 7 and 5. Our son has a twin sister. (Yes, thats 6 kids…lol)
I love my girls with everything in me. I would do anything and everything for them. They are my little princesses.
I thank God for them everyday.
Growing up I was a tomboy. I coached baseball, basketball.. I played basketball and softball. I absolutely loved sports. And I just always believed I would have boys when it came time for me to have babies.
(My birth story will come later)
So here he is… our son. Our prince. I want to hold him up and show him off to the world like Rafiki does to baby Simba in The Lion King.
So far he had had about five surgeries. All for the dialysis catheter, either replacement or revision. Next he needed a vesicostomy because he still had his original diagnosis, a blockage in his urethra. Then he had hernia.
Well, after the 8th dialysis catheter revision, it really wasn’t looking good for him. His little body was getting really tired and the toxins and bad fluids that the dialysis would filter out of him was swelling him up. He had a little more than four pounds of fluid on him. His lungs began to fill up with fluid and his heart was working overtime as well as being squished by his chest cavity.
October 1st, 2014 … doctor’s meeting. basically the surgeons, nephrologist, neonatologists, nurse practitioner and the two case workers were all telling us that Matthew was not going to make it. His little body has been through a whole lot of trauma. And his body is getting worse and worse. The surgeon had the nerve to even tell us that because he is in such bad shape, if he were to need another surgery, she would refuse it. She refuses to do any other procedures because there would be “no point.”
(Yes she did. She said that!)
After about thirty minutes of letting them all talk and tell us about how he will die, I finally just told them to stop talking. I was being respectful and polite in allowing them to say what they gotta say. But with so much negativity, I just couldn’t take it anymore. So finally just told them….
You-will-NOT-give-up-on-my-son! I will NOT allow you or anybody give up on my son! WE have 100% FAITH in GOD that HE and only HE will bring my son through this. We thank you for all you have done for our son. We will forever be grateful to you. BUT… YOU WILL NOT GIVE UP ON MY SON! Our son has PURPOSE. Our son was prayed for. Our son is a miracle. Our son WILL make it through and I will NOT allow you to give up on him.
I said a few other things because while I was talking they tried to interrupt me. They basically wanted me to be “Realistic”…I told them they can have realistic. I BELIEVE in miracles. I BELIEVE in God. I BELIEVE in our prayers. Matthew’s nephrologist (kidney specialist) finally said… Okay, we will just take it day by day. Let’s have hope in each day. I responded by saying Thank You. That’s all I want. HOPE.
October 2nd, 2014
Matthew was doing pretty bad this night. More fluid was filling up in his lungs. It was getting hard for him to breathe. He looked so uncomfortable and in pain that I couldn’t even hold him. I didn’t want to raise his heart rate or his blood pressure any more than it was. And then…….. his heart. It began racing up into the mid 200’s. Far too fast for a 4 month old baby. His heart rate would race up then quickly come back down. Suddenly, there was, what looked like blood, in his dialysis solution drain. The Respiratory Therapist couldn’t seem to get a handle on his breathing. She called in for some help. Matthew’s primary nurse called in for a team leader. The team leader called in for a doctor. And suddenly there were 7 or 8 staff around my son.
I stepped back and sat in a rocking chair across the room. All I can do was pray. I cried and I prayed. I prayed for comfort for my son. I prayed that he wouldn’t be in any pain. There was so much chaos in that room that I got up and ran out. I went to the hallway to call my husband. I used the phone at the front desk and when he answered I just cried. He asked me what was wrong and I just said, “He’s not doing so well.” My husband simply said, “Come Home.”
But I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to leave. I was afraid if I left, I would only get that dreaded phone call. The one us NICU parents fear with everything in us to receive. The phone call only us NICU parents know about… the one when someone tells us to come back to the hospital and say goodbye. I was NOT going to leave just to get that phone call.
I went back to my sons room and I sat back in that rocking chair. I remember his primary nurse looking over at me and shaking her head like, “Oh My God.” I took a deep breath and I looked up. I looked up and to my right. There was a quote on the wall that said, “God, give us the strength and hope we need in this moment.” I read it over and over and over again as if it were my prayer. I stood up and looked out the window. At this time it was about 6pm. The time when the sun was just about setting behind the Cliffside. I never realized until this moment that his NICU room had a beautiful view of the area.
I took a few deep breaths to gain my composure. And I continued saying that prayer… Lord, just give me the strength to go on. And God spoke to me. He said, as clear as day, “Turn around.” I turned and looked at my son’s bed. And I saw the most beautiful and most awkward and most unbelievable sight… there were angels hovered around my son. Real, actual angels. It took my breath away. I stared and saw about five human size angels…wings on their backs and all. It actually reminded me of that movie with John Travolta called ‘Michael’. These angels looked so real. I never saw any of their faces, but I saw their wings; large, white, feathery and fluffy. (I honestly can not describe them. No description would do justice for how beautiful they were)
And then I heard God’s voice again…. He said, “Let Go.”
My heart sank into my stomach.
I didn’t want to.
“Give him to me.”
But he’s my son. The one you promised me.
I have always believed that our children do not belong to us. They are all God’s children. They are borrowed and belong to Him.
I knew what I had to do. I had to let go of my son. I was holding on to him so tightly that I felt like I was the one hurting him. This ENTIRE journey I have always said.. its in God’s Hands. It’s all in His timing. Its all up to Him. It is His will. Let Go and Let God….. but I never really did. I still worried a little. I still had fear in me. I still had wonder. I never really did let God take care of it….
Now I had to. I was so tired of worrying. I was tired of seeing my son in pain. I was so hurt with seeing my son fight for his life. I didn’t want that anymore. I needed to finally….. Let Go.
I took a picture of that prayer on the wall. I walked over to Matthew’s nurse and I said that I had to go. I couldn’t really get close to Matthew because of all that was going on… but I blew him a kiss and I left.
I turned my back on my son and walked away. I walked out of that room. I walked away. I felt the sharpness of a hot dagger pierce my heart. My heart burned. I felt like I was betraying my son. I felt like I was giving up on my son. But I felt I had to do it because the Lord told me to Let Go.
I walked out that room… through the hallway… down the elevator… outside the hospital… through maze of a parking lot and I got in my car. By the time I realized I was driving away I was halfway home. It felt like I snapped out of it. I got angry. I got angry at God because He told me to leave. I got angry at God because He told me to Let Go. And I was angry at myself because I turned my back on my son. I screamed and yelled and let all my anger out. It felt as though God was just letting me get it all out because as soon as I was done I felt at peace.
I even started apologizing to God for yelling at Him…lol.. I did. I felt bad because I got mad at God. And then I cried some more.
As I was pulling into my garage, I expected to walk into the house and see my husband standing there, waiting to get back in the car and go back to the hospital because they had called him to tell us to go back and say goodbye to our son.
But he wasn’t there waiting for me to go back. As soon as I walked in the house he hugged me so tightly and said, “We haven’t gotten a phone call yet.” He knew what I was expecting.
So I wiped my tears and took a shower to try to relax. I took some deep breaths when I started to think about what he said… we haven’t gotten that call… And then I started thinking about what God ha said, Let Go…
Matthew doesn’t belong to me. He has never belonged to me. God gave me what was promised to me. The only thing He never promised me was time. Our time on earth has never been promised. Time will never be promised. I was happy when I began to realize that I have a son. My dreams came true. I had a son. And no matter what happens, from here on out, The Lord blessed us with a son.
I began to thank the Lord for our son. I was happy knowing that we had a son. I was happy knowing that whenever God decides to take our son “Home”.. he will be in a better place. Our son will be waiting for us in heaven.
I walked out into the living room where my husband was sitting. And I stood in front of him and said, “From here on forward Matthew is going to get better.”
I don’t know why I said that. Something had just come over me to say it. And I BELIEVED it… and I SAW it! For about two seconds when I was in my sons room and I saw those angels, I thought, am I really seeing this?! I was. Spiritually, I was seeing angels. Spiritually, I heard the voice of God.
I decided to go to bed without calling the NICU. I wanted to show God that I did have that faith in me. I didn’t need to call. I didn’t need to hear how he was doing. If it was bad, they would call. I already know what kind of shape he is in… there is no reason for me to call.
My husband helped take care of out other daughters in the morning and he allowed me to sleep in. I woke up about 9am and I instinctively picked up my phone and dialed the NICU. Before anyone can answer, God said “Hang Up.” So I hung up. I kept thinking, if it was bad, they would call.
So I went on with my day. My husband and my father in law went to the NICU to see Matthew. I was still traumatized and I just couldn’t bring myself to go. So I stayed home. It was about two hours past the time that husband had left. He normally texts me that he has arrived at the NICU. But he didn’t this time… but I waited patiently when suddenly I read the text message on my phone, “He’s fine. His dialysis is working, it is running clear.”
My son has since been doing well and has been home for a little less than a month. Yes we will have bumps in the road, but it will never be as hard as the day when I had to Let Go of my son and give him back to God. This is confirmation to me that Matthew has a purpose. He will be someone GREAT. He will do GREAT things!!
God is Good!
God Bless You ALL ♡